Occam's Razor - The Oldest Answer to New Problems

  The answer to all of life's proverbial problems and dilemmas can be answered with one simple principle, Occam's Razor. The 14th century logician and Franciscan friar William of Ockham stated that people should select from competing hypotheses, the one which makes the fewest assumptions, the one that has a simpler explanation rather than a more complex one. The theory has been applied in science, philosophy, mathematics, and statistics. It is the oldest version of the saying "Keep it Simple Stupid" or KISS. 

In life we run across competing hypotheses on an almost constant basis as we navigate the waters of human relationships. There are competing hypotheses in everything from relationships between men and women to relationships with our children. And we have ways to express these hypotheses to each other and receive feedback on our hypotheses as social media takes over the planet. Everyone has problems (competing hypotheses) and there is always someone there to read about it, or write about their own experiences, if only in 140 character tweets.

It makes me wonder about people who did not have this expression at their fingertips. Would Marilyn Monroe have swallowed a bottle of pills and alcohol if she had had twitter? Would James Dean been so self destructive if he'd had a My Space page where he could interact with his fans? What about Mark Anthony? If he'd had a Facebook page, a place where he could declare his undying love for Cleopatra and receive comments the likes of "Yea man, she's hot", or "Man, that bitch be playin you", would he have fallen on his own sword for her? I think not. 

But Occam's Razor depends on you being able to reasonably figure out which is the simpler explanation. The truth is, and especially when it has to do with relationships, we make things so complicated and I think we do it just because the simpler explanation is just more painful than we can wrap our heads around. We all have histories, blueprints of our lives that determine our behaviors towards others; blueprints that define what we will and will not believe about each other. The truth is, a person who behaves as if they don't care, really just doesn't care. We can fool ourselves into thinking up all kinds of reasons why the person behaves that way. We can even listen to their explanations and believe them, because we so want to, up to a certain point. But at the end of the day, you have to look at the way the person behaved throughout your interactions with them, not what they said, but what they did. If their behavior doesn't line up with what their explanations are, they are not being truthful. It's not your job to figure out WHY they are not being truthful, only that they are not. "Why" is for their therapist. If you try to figure out why, you'll be the one that ends up in an asylum somewhere, drooling in the corner with your arms wrapped in one of those oh-so-fashionable jackets. When a person lies to people, it's a flaw in THEIR character, not yours so don't take it personally. Just get out of their way and make way for someone who doesn't lie. Occam's Razor - sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer and the one that's right in front of you. Less assumptions to worry about, it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  

The trick is finding someone with whom you can balance the meeting of each others needs and desires. We all have selfish moments. We have moments where we only think of ourselves. But most of us don't live our whole life that way. We have all been in relationships where we have had our hearts broken, and we have been in relationships where we broke someone's heart. In life, as it goes, some days you're the windshield and some days...well, some days you're the bug.

Hope Floats

There is a difference between hope and expectations. The dictionary defines hope as "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best". It defines expectation as "the act or the state of expecting; to wait in expectation; the act or state of looking forward or anticipating."  So what's the difference? They sound almost the same don't they? Well, there is definitely a difference.
 
When you hope for something, you are leaving the door open to things not turning out the way you want them to. You hope that the person you love will love you back. You hope that the the things the person you love are saying to you are in fact true. You hope that you actually mean something to that person. This is in the beginning, when you have no choice but to hope, because it's all you have, you don't know. You are dealing with an absence of information, no experience with that person, a lack of connection. You're also dealing with that ever increasing "butterflies in your heart", hot flushed felling when you hear his voice, see his face and you can't help but allow yourself to hope. But in the beginning you know that there is a possibility that things won't go your way. You hope that he'll treat you with honesty, respect, and kindness, but the minute he doesn't, your hopes are dashed, the rose colored glasses ripped off your face, the cloud of attraction and desire dissipates and you easily give up the hope that you had that everything will turn out OK; because it's the beginning, and in the beginning, it's easy to give up hope, you're not loosing very much. What, you've had a couple of months or less with this person and they're already not treating you the way you should be treated? So you move on; a little stung, but you learn to hope for the next one. And there's always a next one...until there's not. 

Once you've been in a relationship with someone for a while, that hope that was so prevalent in the beginning has now turned into expectation. Once you have experience with this person, things have been said, promises have been made, and a connection has been forged. The expectations get higher and higher as your time together increases. You don't just "hope" that he'll treat you with honesty, respect, and kindness, you "expect" that he will. You expect that he will call or see you on special days, your birthday, Valentines day, holidays. You expect that he will show up for special events in your life, or at the very least, plan to. You expect flowers, on special occasions, or sometimes just because. You expect him to express how he feels about you, and you expect him to not just "want" to see you, but to actually see you, spend time with you face to face, in each other's presence, because this after all is what makes the bond between you grow stronger. Some of us, as we get further along in a relationship, expect marriage and children. For others of us, we're getting a little long in tooth for those sort of expectations and so we're just satisfied with the expectation of growing "older" together. Maybe we don't even expect marriage because at our age, we quite possibly have already been through one or more of those and it didn't turn out too well and has soured our view of the institution. As Henry Louis Mencken said "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution".

So, what do you do when your expectations haven't been met? You've gone so far into the relationship that your hope turned to expectation and your expectation turned to bitter disappointment, anger, heartbreak and now, hopelessness. You are left with a pit in your stomach so large you could fit the Olympic Stadium in there. You constantly ask yourself why, why did this person do this to me? And how, how could this person who said and did all these nice things to get me involved in a relationship with them, now is acting like the biggest asshole that ever walked the earth? And the ever important, what is it about this person that causes me to still love them even though they are being such a jerk? What is wrong with me that I still care about this person when they couldn't even behave in a normal way, or treat me with the respect, dignity and honesty that every one of us deserves?

To be completely honest here, I have no earthly idea what you do! You can try to make it right, try to reason with him but there's one thing I do know, you can't be reasonable with an unreasonable person. And let's face it, any one who cons you into a relationship for their own purposes, who can't be honest, and who is so self absorbed that they can't see past the nose on their own face, is not really going to give a crap about how you feel. I'm sorry if that's harsh but I'm trying to keep it real. Not just for my readers but for myself as well.

Everytime We Say Godbye

In our lifetime we must say a million goodbyes, starting from the first one where we say goodbye to the first place we lived; that warm, connected space of our mother's womb where we were fed, sang to, talked to and loved.

The easiest goodbye are the ones we say to our friends as they go off on a journey. We wish them well, to have fun, take lots of pictures and send us a post card. We think they'll come back back with some small trinket from their journey, a memory that we both will share of their trip. Sometimes they do, but sometimes in the whirlwind of traveling, their friends at home are far from their minds. And it's ok, isn't it, because after all, that is what trips are for. To relax, see the sites and forget about home. 

The hardest goodbyes are the ones we don't want to say; to a dying parent, a child or our beloved pets. But we say them because we must. It is the last time we'll be able to talk to them because once they're gone, they aren't coming back. In some ways, this is the more merciful way of the universe because it is easier to say goodbye than to watch the ones we love in pain.

He was sick, so very sick and I knew it. I'd been through it enough times to know. When I first took him to the doctor, it wasn't the diagnosis I'd expected, so when the doctor told me he had Liver Cancer, I knew then he was going to die. I could have let him die naturally but to do that meant I had to watch him in severe pain and I couldn't do that to him, or to myself. I spent two days saying goodbye to him. I spent every waking moment with him and kept him in bed with me so I could wake up in the night and feel his soft furry body next to me and so that he would know that I was there. He wouldn't eat or drink so I tried to smear a little food on his mouth so he'd be forced to lick it off. I put him by his water bowl and he did drink some. 

Then came the morning that I took him in to the Vets. I talked to him the whole time, telling him how much I loved him, would miss him but that he wouldn't be in pain any more and he could see Gabby, and Jerry. He could run in the sun and have all the bickies he could eat. I held him in my arms as the doctor gave him the shot to make him sleepy. He almost immediately went completely limp. The doctor left me alone with him and by the time she came back, his fur was soaked in places with my tears. I laid him on the table and she gave him the second shot and he was gone in seconds. His beautiful golden eyes stayed open but his pupils dilated so large that you could hardly see the golden color any more. The doctor left me alone with him again and I held him, stroked him all over and kissed his face over and over. I cried and cried. I must have used a half of a box of Kleenex in there.

In the end, I have a beautiful scroll carved box of his ashes that sits on my book shelf; a lock of his beautiful black and white chest fur in a small plastic bag lays on top of it. Every now and then, when I'm missing him really badly, I open that small plastic bag, take out the lock and smell it, feel it, stare at it, remembering what it was attached to; a big beautiful, black and white tuxedo cat named Sooty who came into my life from a pet store 13 years ago and in what seemed like a blink of an eye, was gone. All dressed up and finally, he had a place to go. Rest in Peace Sooty Andrew Buckley.

Of Man and Myth

Everything is mythical when you're seven years old; fathers, mothers, Santa, God, the alleged protective powers of a gold medallion. It's not that certain things seem larger than life, it's just, life seems larger. But the world keeps spinning and in a thousand tiny surrenders or sometimes in one fell swoop, what you'd seen as truly mythical, you learn is merely myth. 

The good news, if you can call it that, is that ultimately you find other myths to believe in, and other men as well. You see the myth for what it is, close up and in it's bones, smaller and greater and more like you than you'd care to admit. It never the less leaves you, always, every single time, sitting foolish on the doorstep awaiting it's return. No matter how much your brain tells you he's not worthy, he's just a myth, he is not coming back, in your heart, your strongest wish is that he would appear again, rose in hand, ready, willing and able to talk to you again; wanting to take you to that mythical magical place he came from and make everything alright again.

Happily Ever After

Someone once told me that there is truth in fairy tales. The problem with fairy tales, and I tried to explain this to them, is that they end too soon. They are at best, a prolog to the messy chapters to come. Sure Snow White and Prince Charming may do "happily ever after" for a while, but then she comes home to find him banging Rapunzel in the big bed, and you've got a different story. There's no truth in fairy tales, not really. Know how you can tell? They're called "Fairy Tales". 

There's a reason we out grow fairy tales. Let's face it, happily ever after is crock; it's a con, a shell game, for the sucker on the street. They're just words; pretty words; the equally empty bookend to "Once upon a time". But our lives aren't determined by some story book, star crossed destiny. They're not determined by what we're told is "meant to be". Our lives are determined by dumb luck, the actions we take, and the courage we summon in our moments of truth. Unlike fairy tales, real life doesn't come with "The End" in gilded cursive on the very last page. Our stories never end. "Happily ever after" for most of us, is really just the beginning. There's a million "ever afters" in everybody's lives. Because every time you think you've reached the finish line, the gun goes off again.  

Cognitive Dissonance

Somewhere between the primordial soup and the dirty cell phone pictures, our minds invented a way to course correct for our mistakes and disappointments. Leon Festinger called it Cognitive Dissonance. The worst part is, it works, if only for a while.

Cognitive Dissonance is simple. You convince yourself that whatever it is in front of you is exactly what you want; that it's good, right, especially when it's not. 

The mind's ability to fool itself knows almost no boundaries but eventually the lucky among us comes to our senses. The smoke fades and we see things for how they really are. Whether by words of wisdom or the flicker of a flashlight we muddle through the fog; landing on the long and winding road we're meant to travel. However baffling, we learn to trust that path or at least stay on it. And having no earthly clue where the hell it's heading means, we'll never be lost...at least not for long.

Phantom Limbs and Childhood Thinking

There is a phenomenon some people experience, those that have lost an arm or a leg, called "Phantom Limb". They feel pain, heat, cold, even movement despite the fact that strictly and scientifically speaking, there is no "there" there. It is as if the body can not accept the fact that something so essential, so natural a part, has moved on. The memory of what had always been there is so strong that even in it's clear and sudden absence the connection can not be denied. 

Children are like our "phantom limbs". Even when they leave they are never really gone. They come back from time to time, for laundry, or a shoulder, or a fist full of cash; to dance with you at a friend's wedding. And those sleep deprived, whirling dervish early days that you thought would never end, somehow, they do. Then you blink, look up, and you find a boyfriend with a beard and a U-Haul on your front lawn. 

Psychologists say children believe in magic because their brains can't grasp the limits of natural laws. As a kid, I tried to bend spoons with my mind like a magician I had seen on Saturday morning TV. It broke my heart when it didn't work. I thought, if I couldn't think a spoon into a knot, how could I will my mother to put down the Jim Beam and the bottle of pills long enough to make dinner, or wish my father into coming back home to eat it.

Beginning again. Some people embrace it, the chance to start fresh, to leave whatever baggage behind. For others of us, change is a dizzying loss of control. We cling to our baggage like a floatation device, like a phantom limb. Our old life is gone, changed forever, and yet we cling to the feelings, cling to memories, cling to the hope of what it could have been like. We feel the pain, the cold, the heat, and we can't move away, can't let go. 

What is unleashed in the soul when we love outside ourselves is sharp, unexpected and beyond words. Love turns smart people stupid and conjures courage from thin air. That we can love so wildly, so recklessly, yet feel it in the tame ways of every day, is something of a miracle. 

For some, a miracle, ordinary or otherwise, would take a miracle. Still, there's room for repentance, there's hope, if only in glimmers. For others, hope is all there is. Love, miracles, hope, not my kind of words any more but I find as life pushes relentlessly on, they nudge their way in and set up shop, undeniable as moon tides. The pie in the sky, magical thinking of childhood is quietly replaced by a grown up sense of wonder and the reality that something as simple as a sunset...can still surprise you.

Holy Chewy Cookies Batman!

 A priest came to our house not long after my Dad left. He was tall, thin and wreaked of birds. He told us that Dad was gone because that's how God wanted it. My face turned hot; as it does now when ever I see stained glass, The Sound of Music or a Salsa band. I didn't take it very well. He never came back. Shortly after that Nettie began telling people she' d been excommunicated from the Catholic Church for getting a divorce. I should have known then that the Catholic Church was full of smoke and mirrors; a religion based on lies and misinterpretations of the Hebrew bible but many times over the years, I gave it a second chance. 

I am what many would call, often as an accusation, a non-believer. It's a charge I consider unfair because all of us, no matter the connection we feel or don't, when sitting under the stars, or feeling the world closing in, doing what comes naturally, or rearranging the furniture, all of us believe in something. I believe in many things. I believe in first impressions and second chances; for forgotten people of our society, for holy men of all faiths, and for helpless, hapless family members. I believe in telling the truth to people you love at every possible turn and lying, just a little, at what seems the appropriate time. I believe in finding people you'd run through a brick wall for and making sure they know it, if in not so many words. But mostly, I believe in love; at first site, at second or third site, or thirty-two years later site. Sweet or bittersweet, that's my church. 

Also, I believe in taking the cookies out of the oven two minutes early. I mean, come on, right?

We Love What We Love

We moved on Christmas Eve, the year I turned five. Nettie bought my brother a stack of used 45's, me a yard sale tricycle and we got a patch of grass with some woods in front of the apartment. This after having a huge back and front yard in the house James - my father - built for us. Nettie told me if I peddled good and slow I could go anywhere I wanted. "Anywhere I wanted" extended only to the patch of grass and woods in front of the apartment but still, it was freedom. A five year old's version of the "open road". That was probably the last vehicle I got really attached to, until my green Cavalier which I bought in 2001 brand new and totaled in 2010. I cried at the car lot when getting my things out of it. Her poor little bumper hanging off her face like a broken smile. 

We love what we love. For some people it's the first grade crush, or the ninth grade crush. For others, it's a tricycle, the wrong guy or the New York Mets. For some of us, it's unreachable; something we've maybe never even had before. And we know that even if we reach it, pull it close, and make it ours, it won't last. It won't but we keep on. It doesn't matter if it's a tricycle, or the wrong guy, or the New York Mets, It doesn't matter what we reach for. What matters...is the reaching. 

Character is Destiny

 

I like the sound of three word phrases; "Fools rush in", "Greed is good", "Character is destiny". That one comes up a lot when people are staring down the barrel of starting a whole new life. In the witness protection program, they take the witness's documents, jewelry, pictures, they take it all. And as much as the witnesses know they have a chance to start fresh, I keep a stash of photographs on my computer of a man who said he cared, said I was important, and said that I was in good hands, and then never showed up in person before leaving for good. Witnesses can't hold on to anything. They are lucky if they get to keep their secrets.   

For the chronic do gooder, for the happy go lucky sociopath, for the dysfunctional family, under the gun, everyone reverts to who they are. We may hunger to map out a new course, but for most of us, the lines have been drawn since we were five. 

Love Hurts

Some say love is the only thing in life we have that's real. Some say life would be a whole lot better without it. For me, the jury is still out. 

I loved that pet rock my brother gave me for my birthday because it was from him. Then I threw it at Danny Mangrum; hit him right in the temple. He went down like a Christmas tree in January. I loved Danny. I just wanted to make sure he knew it. I think he did. He ended up being my first kiss.  

Life is long and love is...well, love. It's messy and scary and wonderful and can move mountains. But two people have to love each other enough to make it work. And when they do, I believe it isn't so hard to make it work, or at least it shouldn't be.

We always seem to hurt the ones we love the most or the ones we love the most, hurt us. This is also the power of love because if we didn't love, we wouldn't be hurt. And I believe the amount we are hurt by the one we love is in direct proportion to how much we love them. 

When we're hurt, we inevitably do the one thing that makes it not work, that pushes the one we love away; the last thing we want when we love someone. But we can't seem to help ourselves. We throw that pet rock at them, thinking we'll then get their attention; they will then know how much we love them when in reality, all they see is that we tried to hurt them and they back further away. Because whether we love a little, or a lot, the last thing anyone wants is to be hurt. 

But if we want to feel the mountain move, if we want to feel the joy of truly loving someone, this is the risk we take, the risk of being hurt because with out love, what else is there to life? No one ever laid on their deathbed and said "I'm glad I performed well at my job", "I'm glad I micro managed my child to the point of them not being able to be their own person", or even worse, "I'm glad I let my child run free with no guidance because it made them a strong person", or "I'm glad I let that girl slip away because I was so scared". No, if we have never taken a risk for love, never loved anyone enough to put our own own needs aside for a moment, never felt that mountain move, that will be the biggest regret we have when we lay dying. If we aren't willing to take the risk, within reason of course, to show our children what a healthy loving relationship is, then that will not only be our regret, but our children's regret as well.

I can't say love is the only thing that's real, and I can't say the world would be better off without it. I can only say, I loved someone once, still love them. I put my own needs aside and put him first. I took a risk and it didn't work out. He lied, used and hurt me. But I felt the mountain move and I will have no regrets. I will end up a stronger person for it and one day, one day I will wake up, the pain will be gone, and I won't care any more, because I won't love him. He won't know it of course, but that day will be the day that he looses the best gift that was ever given to him.   

Hurt

We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt. It can hurt people we love; people we don't; people caught in the middle; even people who'd give anything if they could just never ever be hurt again. But sometimes the hurt can't be avoided. It's just coming at us and can't be stopped. It's in us and can't be seen. Or it's lying next to us in dark, waiting. 

But sometimes, it doesn't come at all. Sometimes we get this other thing, that flutters down out of nowhere and stays just long enough to give us hope. Sometimes, rarely, barely, but just when we need it the most and expect it the least, we get a break. 

The Scorpion and the Frog

The Scorpion and the Frog is a fable about a scorpion asking a frog to carry him across a river. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion argues that if it stung the frog, the frog would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog agrees and begins carrying the scorpion, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. The frog asks the scorpion why, why would he do this and kill them both? The scorpion replies, "This is my nature, that is what scorpions do, we sting frogs". The fable illustrates that the behavior of some creatures is irrepressible, no matter how they are treated and no matter what the consequences.

There are people in the world who use others. This is their sole purpose in life. This is their nature. Their whole lives are built around seeking out people that can serve their purpose, assist them in accomplishing their agenda. Many times the person who is being used has no idea it is even happening, particularly in the case of, yup, you guessed it,  LOVE. This, I believe, is one of the meanings behind "Love is blind". You want to believe the person. You want to believe that the person you love, loves you and so you are more than willing to ignore the red flags, ignore your own needs and desires, ignore the things that in any other person would send you running for hills. Yet, for love, we sacrifice it all, give our all, become a slave to that which we desire. Why do we do that? And how do we stop doing that for people who are scorpions? And what happens when one scorpion meets another scorpion and gets stung? It's not pretty I can tell you. 

L'Chaim - My Conversion Essay

What drew Me to Judaism

I don’t think I ever realized just how special I was. My Catholic adopted mother used to tell me, on her good days, that I was special because they chose me. When I got older and realized how adoption really works, I knew that wasn’t true. They didn’t choose me. What I didn’t know was that I was in fact chosen, just not by them. I was chosen by G-D; not because I’m better than anyone else, or smarter, or prettier, but because Hashem had faith in my ancestors that they could make the world a better place. He did after all create them just as he created everything and everyone else on earth. So, he gave them the Torah and set them on a path and it is a path I am following now.

It was not hard at all for me to leave my Catholic/Christian upbringing behind. I could never wrap my brain around much of the doctrine that I heard in all the churches by the priests and pastors that I’d heard speak throughout my life. I’ve heard people say since I started the conversion process that it’s not easy being a Jew. I’ve found it extremely easy. In fact, the first time I sat down with my Rabbi, I knew instantly that I was home, I was where I belonged. It was as if my own history melded with that of all the Jewish people who went before me and suddenly the world made sense. It made sense then why I was so creative and sensitive and why I always felt different. It made sense why I felt a connection to the world and the things in it that my Christian peers did not feel in the same way.  

What Jewish Values I find Most Appealing and Persuasive

When I go to Shul on Fridays and sing with my congregation and the Rabbi, I am at home. I feel a connection to the ancients that chanted the same prayers thousands of years ago. When I wake up in the morning and the first thought that comes to my head is Mode Ani and Sh’ma and as I drop off to sleep at night and I pray the Sh’ma, I know that it means something, not just to me but to Hashem because he guided me home to my people. I can never leave them now. Like all those persecuted before me, you would have to kill me because I could never give this up. It reconnected me with G-D, healed me, and gave me a new, better way to look at the world in which we live today. It woke me up to the power that is Hashem, our creator.

I have learned so much in the last almost two years. Rabbi has been patient with me as I asked all my questions. He has been like an older brother, a father, a teacher and I will miss him when he retires. I never seem to tire of listening to him explain things and give his slant on things and I always seem to agree with him. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but it feels good to me. He took me in, sight unseen, not knowing what kind of person I was, and he taught me, prepared me and made me feel like I belonged. I will never forget what he has done for me and how lucky I have been to have him as my teacher. He has been very much a part of the healing process for me which is why I take his last name as my second Hebrew name, Raphael, meaning “G-D Heals”.  

The holidays are very special to me because they are holidays that the rest of the world either doesn’t know about or doesn’t celebrate. My favorite is Passover. I went to a Women’s Seder the week before Passover started, given by the Sisterhood of the congregation. It was an amazing feeling sitting there with all the wonderful women of my congregation, with their own histories and stories going through all the important women in Jewish History and celebrating them. I felt such a connection there, it totally made up for the years I spent with a woman who didn’t love me or understand me. I felt like I was in a room full of women who were essentially my mothers, each one with their own story and each one willing and wanting to take me in and show me the way. It was the most beautiful experience I’ve have ever had in my life. The first night of Passover I went to a member’s home, Janet Ballonoff, who also converted. Her son led the Seder for the most part and it was an experience hearing a child of his age read so well and be anxious to participate. Her parents were there and it was interesting hearing their stories about where they came from and how Janet grew up, how she met her husband. It was a relaxing and fun evening. The second night I went to Tammy Jaffe’s house. There were quite a few people there and Richard, her husband led the Seder. There was great food and singing and we all had a great time. Passover brings us together in our different communities and retells an important story, one that should be remembered the rest of the year. I feel this sense of community when ever I go to the Synagogue and that peace and sense of community is something I carry with me now into my life outside the Synagogue.     

Kashrut is still a challenge for me, I can’t lie. While I gave up pork long ago, I still miss bacon and there have been times when it has been next to impossible to resist an old fashioned Cheese Burger. I don’t eat shellfish though lobster was one of my favorite things before I started this process. I eat very little meat anyway due to the calories so other than the very occasional cheeseburger, I have done well. Though I admit, at work, every day is like “Passover” for me because they have real bacon bits on the salad bar and my heart skips a beat as I “Pass Over” them! But if that is all I have to give up for all the gifts that Hashem has given me in the last couple of years, then I can do that.   

When I started this process, I wanted to volunteer somewhere because I wanted to give something back to my community and I know we are commanded by God to perform mitzvahs. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and I was talking to one of the members one night after Shul and she suggested a horse farm not far from me. So I went there and started volunteering. It’s called Days End Horse Rescue Farm and they take in horses that have been abused and neglected, heal them and put them up for adoption. I help mix their special diet food as many of them are ill and need special mixes of food and medicine. I muck stalls and clean the outside water containers and help out when they have fund raisers. I also work some with the horses bringing them in from the fields and taking them back out again. There are many programs there and all the people that work there are extremely nice and enjoy what they do. Just being able to work with the horses has been a blessing because I have always loved them and I consider it to be God’s work to help them.

I have always contributed money to an organization called World Vision so in that way Tzedakah has always been a part of my life. I have done this for years and at one point I actually fostered a child in Colombia. This organization helps communities all over the world by helping them plant vegetables, educating children, building wells and schools etc. I plan to continue to contribute to them because I believe in what they do. I would also like to find a Jewish organization that does the same thing and help out in any way I can. There are so many communities across the globe that needs help.

Why Judaism is More Appropriate for Me Than Any of My Previous Religions  

I have always been interested in other faiths. I have explored everything from the different forms of Christianity to Buddhism. I never explored Judaism because I had so many friends and boyfriends who were Jewish and I thought I knew all there was to know about it. I thought you had to be born a Jew through a Jewish mother or that was it, you couldn’t be a Jew. None of the teachings in any other religion I explored ever really made sense to me as a whole. I couldn’t wrap my brain around much of the basis for any of these teachings. When I discovered that I was ethnically Jewish through my Grandfather, and I began learning under Rabbi, it immediately made sense to me; the idea that what you do while you are here on earth is what counts; the idea of helping people and helping to make the world a better place; the idea of being connected to our source, our creator, the One; the importance that is placed on education, tradition and community. As I study and learn more, it only solidifies my belief that this is my path, this is what I was born to do, and this was the purpose of my creation. 

One of the reasons I decided to convert was because of my Grandfather and birth mother. Since I have learned the story surrounding my adoption, it compelled me to bring the family, at least the family name, back to where it belongs. My grandfather broke the chain by marrying an Irish Catholic woman but my mother continued the break when she got pregnant at fifteen and my grandfather told her to pick a religion. He said he didn’t care which one she chose but to pick one. She chose the religion of her friend down the street and her mother, Roman Catholic. It would be almost 40 years before I found out my true ethnicity and now I know that converting is the right thing both for me and for my family. 

My Understanding of and My Relationship to God

My understanding of God is that He is the source of all things; that while there may be a scientific explanation for many things, he is the One that created science to begin with. Before there was anything, there was Him. There are many times in my life when I feel the presence of God, when I love someone, when I sing with people, when I look at a beautiful flower or look into the face of an innocent animal or child. My relationship or my connection to God is very strong but I believe as I study more, pray more, be in the community more, this will help me to be a better person, a better Jew and so my connection with God will become even stronger.

How My Life has changed and How I See My Jewish Life in the Future

My life now has a focus on the Jewish traditions and my faith that no matter what happens, I have my faith in God and my Jewish family. I don’t feel alone in the world for I always have my “family” who authentically cares about my Jewish education, and my place in the community. My life now has an even greater focus on educating myself regarding our history, traditions and our language. I see my future life as a continuation of what I have been doing for the last almost two years and that is studying, davening, and participating in the community at Synagogue. I want to do more in the way of volunteering and tzedakah. I also see myself as participating in the Sisterhood group at Synagogue more as I believe in what they do and being with them, as I discovered at the Women’s Passover Seder, gives me a sense of belonging and being nurtured which was missing in my life.

My Sense of Identification with the Jewish People in Relation to Israel, World Jewry, Local Community and My Synagogue

I look to Israel as being my Ancient homeland. While in more recent times, at least half of my Ancestors came from Ireland, the oldest of my Ancestors came from the land of Israel. I feel this down to my DNA now and one day I will go there and see the place where they came from.

Particularly on Friday nights I feel a special connection to Jewish people all over the world because I know we are all doing the same thing; celebrating Shabbat as our people have done for thousands of years.

I have always identified with Jewish people through out my life and always felt a special connection to them. Since finding out that I am in fact ethnically Jewish and since going through the conversion process, I identify even more with them. I am one of them. There are things about me that are undeniably Jewish and the path my life has followed makes sense now.

I would like to do more in my local Jewish community and at my Synagogue and I feel the two go hand in hand. The organizations at the Synagogue do things for and in the community and participating in these kinds of activities will solidify my identification and my sense of community and belonging.

My Commitment to Prayer, Shabbat and Keeping Kosher

I have a strong commitment to prayer and it gets stronger every day. Prayer is important because it makes us focus on being grateful for what we have instead of focusing on what we don’t. I believe that this is what causes the inner light in Jews and why they have been able to over come the worst of oppressions and come out of it united all over the world. I also believe that this sense of prayer, this sense of being grateful is what brings success in our lives and why so many of us are Nobel Prize winners, noted Scientists, educators, successful entertainers and more. What you focus on only gets bigger and so if you focus on being grateful for what you have it will bring more of it into your life. I need to get better at this. Because I was raised by a very negative mother, who was not Jewish, being grateful every day for what I have been given is a different mindset for me but I am committed to prayer, Shabbat and trying to keep as Kosher as I possibly can because practicing these things brings me closer to who I want to be and who God wants me to be. It contributes to my purpose and God’s plan for my life.

The Holocaust and Anti-Semitism

All of my life I knew that I was German. I was always ashamed of it because of the Holocaust. I did not know I was actually a German Jew. I never saw Schindler’s list because I was sickened by how the Non Jewish Germans could let the trains go through their towns and not to anything to stop them or stop the killing of so many innocent Jewish men, women and children.

Once I found out about my ancestry, I had no reason to be ashamed any more and in my studies I have watched many films and documentaries on the Holocaust. The one thing that happens is that when I see film of the trains going through towns, I cannot help but cry. It creates such a deep pain in my heart and soul that people would hate so much that they would kill innocent people. I now know that the Jewish people are my people and so the pain is much greater than it was when I only knew that I was German. In reading through our history, I’m shocked, appalled, and confused as to why people have wanted to kill us. It does make me more resolved to educate people, at least those willing to learn about our history, and our faith and to never ever let anything like the Holocaust happen again. I will do anything I can to educate and help people to understand who we are and what our faith means.

My Future Plans for Jewish Study

First and foremost, I want to get better at reading Hebrew. I hope someday to be able to read Torah and be able to get through the service without using my “cheat sheet”. I buy books regarding Judaism, Jewish history and Kabbalah and plan to keep doing so. I am an avid reader and love to learn new things and solidify my knowledge in things I already know. I have looked into becoming a Hazzan as well though I don’t know if I’m ready for five years of intense study. I have been a singer all of my life and learning all the melodies for the service has been fun so the music of Judaism fits right with me. I love when I get the melody down of a particular part of the service because then I can start adding harmonies which adds the beauty of an already beautiful prayer. I have favorites of course but they are all beautiful to me.

Who Would I Invite to a Shabbat Meal

If I could invite anyone, living or dead, to a Shabbat meal, the first person I would choose would be Sigmund Freud. I would like to talk with him about how his psychiatric theories and his Jewish faith came together. The second person I would invite would be Viktor Frankl because his survival of the Holocaust and how he found meaning in it is fascinating to me. The third and fourth persons I would invite are Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander because after all the serious psychiatric discussion, some levity would be in order and these two could bring it. The fifth person I would invite is Kyra Sedgwick. She is Jewish on her mother’s side and I have seen her in interviews and found her to be very smart, funny and enlightened. I would like to know more about her Jewish background and how she celebrates being Jewish now. The sixth and last person I would invite is Adam Levine, lead singer of the band Maroon 5. He is obviously of the “Levy” heritage and is Jewish on his Father and Grandfather’s side. He considers himself Jewish though he rejected formal religious practice for a more “spiritual” way of life. I would be interested to know his reason for doing this and also why as a child he chose not to have a Bar Mitzvah.

In closing I would say that this process has been a pivotal point in my life and I have not only learned a lot about myself, about my community and about the history of our people, but it has given me a new strength, a new way of looking at life, and a new way to get through hard times and know that G-D is always there, choosing to heal, choosing to show the way, and all I had to do was to find my way back.

What's Love Got To With it?

 

 There have been so many songs written about love. Two come to mind immediately, "When A Man Loves A Woman" by Percy Sledge and "When A Woman Loves A Man" by Westlife. It seems that everyone on the planet is trying to figure it out, trying to find it, hold on to it or avoid it all together. 

There are so many theories on love. Some believe you can love more than one person in your lifetime, others believe it only happens once. I would have to say I fall into the latter camp. In everyone's life, I believe, there is always that one person you can never forget, that one person that no matter what happens, you'll always be in love with. You're very lucky if you end up with that person because then you don't have to forget them. But I think most people do not end up with that one, either because of circumstances, or because love does have this uncanny ability to go only one way. Sadly, usually, the person you can never forget, forgets you very easily.

There is no manual, no instructions, no rules no step by step way to be in love. It can't be forced, or coerced, or tricked. I believe it is truly a chemical thing, the way your mind and body reacts to the sound of a specific person's voice, or when you are in that person's presence. It is "drug-like" and the withdrawal can be excruciatingly painful. There are moments when you believe the pain will never end. And so you try to hate them instead. You try to come up with everything they did in the relationship that was cruel or dishonest or disrespectful. You try to be real with yourself and just try to come to grips with the fact that the person, your person, just doesn't love you, or care about you and all their behavior in the relationship proves it so you have to let it go, you have no choice. This doesn't really help either but it might get you through a few minutes.

If you look around, there are people out there who believe they have the answer. "How to get and keep the man of your dreams", Rori Raye, "How to live your best life", Oprah Winfrey, "Personal Power", Tony Robbins, to name a few. And while all of the techniques taught in these programs can be helpful, at the end of day, there really isn't anything you can do. You love who you love, and if they don't love you back, well, you just have to somehow learn to live with it. You somehow have to put one foot in front of the other and get on with your life because there really isn't any other alternative. Alfred Lord Tennyson said it best in his poem In Memorandum written in 1850:

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all."