Are you a loner or just lonely because you can’t find people that you click with, that is the question. They are now classifying the gunman at Sandy Hook as “a loner”. I heard a “talking head” the other day say that the young men who committed such crimes as Columbine, Aurora and now Sandy Hook, the thing they have in common was that they were not loners by choice; that the difference between these young men and others who choose to isolate themselves was that these young men tried to fit in and were shunned by their peer group. Hurt and isolated they began to formulate a plan that would get them noticed. Angry because they didn’t fit in, they choose notoriety over being a “loser” who had no friends.
This situation and the people talking about it on our never ending 24/7 news cycle has provoked me to think of my own life and my own situation.
As a child, I was always alone in my family. Divorced parents, my brother sent away by my mother when I was only five, being raised by a mother who had no interest in me at all, I turned to people on the outside of my family. I also turned to my extended family, my grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins who were around my age. I found acceptance through them; I found happiness; companionship and I didn’t feel so alone. But this pattern of turning to whoever was there at the time to ease my loneliness was to follow me my whole life and on many occasions has gotten me into trouble, physically, emotionally and mentally. But I didn’t want to be alone, or more accurately, I didn’t want to feel alone.
I believe every person on this hunk of rock has felt the pain of loneliness at times in our lives. It’s how we handle it that makes the difference in each one of us. On one side of the extreme you have someone who took an assault weapon and killed 20 little children and on the other a person who calls someone over and over not because they are actually interested in a relationship in real life but because it makes them feel less “alone”. I fall somewhere in the middle I think. Because I’ve been alone most of my life, I’m not only used to it, I prefer it. I can pick and choose who I want to be with and when I want to be with them. I answer to no one which some might say is a lonely existence, however if you’ve ever been in a marriage that wasn’t good, you’ll know that this existence is a relief and is much better than being at the mercy of someone else’s whims.
The easiest way to overcome loneliness is to share, really share who you are, with another person who genuinely cares and has your best interests at heart. I have never had a problem with this. I am not afraid to share who I am with anyone, flaws and all. There have been some people in my life who have not understood; who either used my sharing against me or used it to try and convince me that they actually cared when in reality, they did not, they were just trying to assuage their own feelings of loneliness. Like anyone else who’s had this done to them, of course I’ve been hurt by this kind of behavior but it will not change who I am. I will continue to share myself with my base of friends and family that I know genuinely care about me and the ones who have used me for their own purposes, known or unknown, will get thrown by the wayside as they always have in the past. Those who don’t care will be forgotten. When I was working in a bar in the 80’s, a very wise older Jewish gentleman once told me, “Don’t waste your time caring about people who don’t care about you”.
Tomorrow is the first day of a new year, 2013. For me it is not a continuation of the old year, but a new beginning. My strength, respect for myself, respect for others who deserve it and my love for the world and all the possibilities it holds has carried me through to this place. The old has no place in this New Year. The people from my past who have treated me badly have no place in this New Year. They became my past for a reason. They had no respect for me, my feelings, my desires, my time and didn’t appreciate the love I gave to them. So as it always has been before I will continue on my own; happy that I answer to no one; filled with the possibilities of the things I can accomplish in this new year; safe in the knowledge that I’m strong; loving those who love me properly in return.
Happy New Year Everyone! L’Shana Tova
