Every human being reacts to trauma and loss differently. I
find this fascinating. This reaction shapes us and plants the seeds of our
future selves. For some of us, those seeds turn into the flowers of strength,
motivation, and self-actualization. For others of us, they turn into despair
and depression which lends itself to a variety of mind games played with one’s psyche
and can make us believe things about ourselves that are not a true and accurate
picture of who we are.
I believe this is why I have become interested in such shows
as Hoarders and My 600 LB Life. These shows depict people who have suffered
some kind of trauma or loss, their reaction to it, i.e. hoarding objects even
to the detriment of their relationships and home, or eating until they become
super obese, and how people try and help them out of this terrible hole their
minds have put them in.
In my own personal life I can relate to a certain extent to the
attributes of each of these disabilities (hoarding and weight gain). For most
of my life I have “collected” things. I have enough books, for example, to fill
a small library. But I will say, my books are not in piles all over my house.
They are organized neatly on bookshelves all over my house. Every room has at
least one book shelf and some have more. I would also say that the collecting
of books was not something that came out of a trauma or loss. They are just
things in life that I love and surround myself with. Plants are another object
that I “collect”. There are plants in every room and again I would say that
this is not something that came to me out of trauma or loss. It is something I
have done since I was very young. I love the feeling I get when I make
something grow; when a simple cutting turns into a beautiful plant. It isn’t
irrational. In fact, it is perfectly rational because when you wander through
my house you realize exactly who I am.
The people depicted on Hoarders have developed over years
and in some cases decades an irrational attachment to things. While they say
they love these things, they don’t take care of them, and the process of
hoarding does more damage than just a messy house. They have pushed the people who
love them to the brink of leaving them for good, they have in some cases caused
irreparable damage to their homes even to the point where the home had to be
condemned and could not be saved. Their children have left them, their families
have deserted them. When things break in the house they can’t get them fixed
for fear of someone discovering their secret. These are people who are in the
throes of a great depression stemming from some trauma or loss that they
experienced in many cases years and years ago. When a new trauma or loss
presents itself to these people, the hoarding escalates. Their minds are
telling them that these objects are the most important things in their lives
when really the most important things are their relationships and their homes. To
them, they would rather have the outside world believe just about anything
about them other than they are a hoarder and they will go to great lengths to
keep their problem a secret. For me, I love the before and afters. I love the
rehab shows for this same reason. I love to see something that seems impossible
at first glance turn into the possible. I love a happy ending. Call me a Pollyanna
if you wish but I just can’t get enough of the happy endings.
For most of my life, up into my late 30’s I was skinny. I was
one of those who could eat and eat and never gain weight. Then I got married
and the roller coaster ride started. I can blame it on many things, consciously
rationalize it in my mind why I was/am overweight, but in the end, it really
comes down to one simple principle, I take in more calories than I expend.
Since 2008, I have lost weight and gained it back a few times. I am now at the
heaviest I have ever been. This IS due to a trauma and loss I experienced in 2011
and my reaction to it has been to not leave the house unless absolutely necessary
and so my exercise was curtailed and my motivation to stay in shape was
completely and utterly depleted. I will get back on track and I will lose the weight
again and hopefully it will stick but it has to be for the right reason. It has
to be for myself and not someone else. It is a process. A process of grieving
for what was lost, a process of learning not to blame myself for what happened and
a process of learning to except and love myself for who I am and what I have to
offer the world. Staying in the house and allowing myself to gain weight is not
the answer to protecting myself from the people in this world. Letting the
right people into my life is the way to protect myself. When I’m strong enough
to make these decisions, I will venture out again. There is a world out there.
I know this. I see it when I do go out there. And rationally I know it is not
the world I should be afraid of or guard against, it’s the people in it.
The people depicted on My 600 LB Life are also severely
depressed people. Over the years as their size grew and grew, they were never
able to get to a point and say “enough is enough” and motivate themselves to lose
the weight and get healthy. As in hoarding, they use the weight somehow to protect
and shield themselves from the outside world. They have convinced themselves
that there is no other way. As their bodies grew and grew and in some cases lymphedema
set in, they still don’t come to grips with their situation. In the case of the
lymphedema cases, I have a difficult time relating to this because if I see or
feel the smallest of lumps on my body, I run out to the doctor. These people
have lumps the size of basketballs and in some cases even larger than that. In
the show they reach a turning point and decide in their minds that they can do
it, that there is a way to live healthy and they turn the corner and get help.
They learn to love themselves. They pull themselves out of the depression and
they venture into to outside world once again. A happy ending.
As John Lennon said in his song Mind Games, “Love is the answer and you know that for sure. Love is a flower; you got to let it grow”
