L'Chaim - My Conversion Essay

What drew Me to Judaism

I don’t think I ever realized just how special I was. My Catholic adopted mother used to tell me, on her good days, that I was special because they chose me. When I got older and realized how adoption really works, I knew that wasn’t true. They didn’t choose me. What I didn’t know was that I was in fact chosen, just not by them. I was chosen by G-D; not because I’m better than anyone else, or smarter, or prettier, but because Hashem had faith in my ancestors that they could make the world a better place. He did after all create them just as he created everything and everyone else on earth. So, he gave them the Torah and set them on a path and it is a path I am following now.

It was not hard at all for me to leave my Catholic/Christian upbringing behind. I could never wrap my brain around much of the doctrine that I heard in all the churches by the priests and pastors that I’d heard speak throughout my life. I’ve heard people say since I started the conversion process that it’s not easy being a Jew. I’ve found it extremely easy. In fact, the first time I sat down with my Rabbi, I knew instantly that I was home, I was where I belonged. It was as if my own history melded with that of all the Jewish people who went before me and suddenly the world made sense. It made sense then why I was so creative and sensitive and why I always felt different. It made sense why I felt a connection to the world and the things in it that my Christian peers did not feel in the same way.  

What Jewish Values I find Most Appealing and Persuasive

When I go to Shul on Fridays and sing with my congregation and the Rabbi, I am at home. I feel a connection to the ancients that chanted the same prayers thousands of years ago. When I wake up in the morning and the first thought that comes to my head is Mode Ani and Sh’ma and as I drop off to sleep at night and I pray the Sh’ma, I know that it means something, not just to me but to Hashem because he guided me home to my people. I can never leave them now. Like all those persecuted before me, you would have to kill me because I could never give this up. It reconnected me with G-D, healed me, and gave me a new, better way to look at the world in which we live today. It woke me up to the power that is Hashem, our creator.

I have learned so much in the last almost two years. Rabbi has been patient with me as I asked all my questions. He has been like an older brother, a father, a teacher and I will miss him when he retires. I never seem to tire of listening to him explain things and give his slant on things and I always seem to agree with him. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but it feels good to me. He took me in, sight unseen, not knowing what kind of person I was, and he taught me, prepared me and made me feel like I belonged. I will never forget what he has done for me and how lucky I have been to have him as my teacher. He has been very much a part of the healing process for me which is why I take his last name as my second Hebrew name, Raphael, meaning “G-D Heals”.  

The holidays are very special to me because they are holidays that the rest of the world either doesn’t know about or doesn’t celebrate. My favorite is Passover. I went to a Women’s Seder the week before Passover started, given by the Sisterhood of the congregation. It was an amazing feeling sitting there with all the wonderful women of my congregation, with their own histories and stories going through all the important women in Jewish History and celebrating them. I felt such a connection there, it totally made up for the years I spent with a woman who didn’t love me or understand me. I felt like I was in a room full of women who were essentially my mothers, each one with their own story and each one willing and wanting to take me in and show me the way. It was the most beautiful experience I’ve have ever had in my life. The first night of Passover I went to a member’s home, Janet Ballonoff, who also converted. Her son led the Seder for the most part and it was an experience hearing a child of his age read so well and be anxious to participate. Her parents were there and it was interesting hearing their stories about where they came from and how Janet grew up, how she met her husband. It was a relaxing and fun evening. The second night I went to Tammy Jaffe’s house. There were quite a few people there and Richard, her husband led the Seder. There was great food and singing and we all had a great time. Passover brings us together in our different communities and retells an important story, one that should be remembered the rest of the year. I feel this sense of community when ever I go to the Synagogue and that peace and sense of community is something I carry with me now into my life outside the Synagogue.     

Kashrut is still a challenge for me, I can’t lie. While I gave up pork long ago, I still miss bacon and there have been times when it has been next to impossible to resist an old fashioned Cheese Burger. I don’t eat shellfish though lobster was one of my favorite things before I started this process. I eat very little meat anyway due to the calories so other than the very occasional cheeseburger, I have done well. Though I admit, at work, every day is like “Passover” for me because they have real bacon bits on the salad bar and my heart skips a beat as I “Pass Over” them! But if that is all I have to give up for all the gifts that Hashem has given me in the last couple of years, then I can do that.   

When I started this process, I wanted to volunteer somewhere because I wanted to give something back to my community and I know we are commanded by God to perform mitzvahs. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and I was talking to one of the members one night after Shul and she suggested a horse farm not far from me. So I went there and started volunteering. It’s called Days End Horse Rescue Farm and they take in horses that have been abused and neglected, heal them and put them up for adoption. I help mix their special diet food as many of them are ill and need special mixes of food and medicine. I muck stalls and clean the outside water containers and help out when they have fund raisers. I also work some with the horses bringing them in from the fields and taking them back out again. There are many programs there and all the people that work there are extremely nice and enjoy what they do. Just being able to work with the horses has been a blessing because I have always loved them and I consider it to be God’s work to help them.

I have always contributed money to an organization called World Vision so in that way Tzedakah has always been a part of my life. I have done this for years and at one point I actually fostered a child in Colombia. This organization helps communities all over the world by helping them plant vegetables, educating children, building wells and schools etc. I plan to continue to contribute to them because I believe in what they do. I would also like to find a Jewish organization that does the same thing and help out in any way I can. There are so many communities across the globe that needs help.

Why Judaism is More Appropriate for Me Than Any of My Previous Religions  

I have always been interested in other faiths. I have explored everything from the different forms of Christianity to Buddhism. I never explored Judaism because I had so many friends and boyfriends who were Jewish and I thought I knew all there was to know about it. I thought you had to be born a Jew through a Jewish mother or that was it, you couldn’t be a Jew. None of the teachings in any other religion I explored ever really made sense to me as a whole. I couldn’t wrap my brain around much of the basis for any of these teachings. When I discovered that I was ethnically Jewish through my Grandfather, and I began learning under Rabbi, it immediately made sense to me; the idea that what you do while you are here on earth is what counts; the idea of helping people and helping to make the world a better place; the idea of being connected to our source, our creator, the One; the importance that is placed on education, tradition and community. As I study and learn more, it only solidifies my belief that this is my path, this is what I was born to do, and this was the purpose of my creation. 

One of the reasons I decided to convert was because of my Grandfather and birth mother. Since I have learned the story surrounding my adoption, it compelled me to bring the family, at least the family name, back to where it belongs. My grandfather broke the chain by marrying an Irish Catholic woman but my mother continued the break when she got pregnant at fifteen and my grandfather told her to pick a religion. He said he didn’t care which one she chose but to pick one. She chose the religion of her friend down the street and her mother, Roman Catholic. It would be almost 40 years before I found out my true ethnicity and now I know that converting is the right thing both for me and for my family. 

My Understanding of and My Relationship to God

My understanding of God is that He is the source of all things; that while there may be a scientific explanation for many things, he is the One that created science to begin with. Before there was anything, there was Him. There are many times in my life when I feel the presence of God, when I love someone, when I sing with people, when I look at a beautiful flower or look into the face of an innocent animal or child. My relationship or my connection to God is very strong but I believe as I study more, pray more, be in the community more, this will help me to be a better person, a better Jew and so my connection with God will become even stronger.

How My Life has changed and How I See My Jewish Life in the Future

My life now has a focus on the Jewish traditions and my faith that no matter what happens, I have my faith in God and my Jewish family. I don’t feel alone in the world for I always have my “family” who authentically cares about my Jewish education, and my place in the community. My life now has an even greater focus on educating myself regarding our history, traditions and our language. I see my future life as a continuation of what I have been doing for the last almost two years and that is studying, davening, and participating in the community at Synagogue. I want to do more in the way of volunteering and tzedakah. I also see myself as participating in the Sisterhood group at Synagogue more as I believe in what they do and being with them, as I discovered at the Women’s Passover Seder, gives me a sense of belonging and being nurtured which was missing in my life.

My Sense of Identification with the Jewish People in Relation to Israel, World Jewry, Local Community and My Synagogue

I look to Israel as being my Ancient homeland. While in more recent times, at least half of my Ancestors came from Ireland, the oldest of my Ancestors came from the land of Israel. I feel this down to my DNA now and one day I will go there and see the place where they came from.

Particularly on Friday nights I feel a special connection to Jewish people all over the world because I know we are all doing the same thing; celebrating Shabbat as our people have done for thousands of years.

I have always identified with Jewish people through out my life and always felt a special connection to them. Since finding out that I am in fact ethnically Jewish and since going through the conversion process, I identify even more with them. I am one of them. There are things about me that are undeniably Jewish and the path my life has followed makes sense now.

I would like to do more in my local Jewish community and at my Synagogue and I feel the two go hand in hand. The organizations at the Synagogue do things for and in the community and participating in these kinds of activities will solidify my identification and my sense of community and belonging.

My Commitment to Prayer, Shabbat and Keeping Kosher

I have a strong commitment to prayer and it gets stronger every day. Prayer is important because it makes us focus on being grateful for what we have instead of focusing on what we don’t. I believe that this is what causes the inner light in Jews and why they have been able to over come the worst of oppressions and come out of it united all over the world. I also believe that this sense of prayer, this sense of being grateful is what brings success in our lives and why so many of us are Nobel Prize winners, noted Scientists, educators, successful entertainers and more. What you focus on only gets bigger and so if you focus on being grateful for what you have it will bring more of it into your life. I need to get better at this. Because I was raised by a very negative mother, who was not Jewish, being grateful every day for what I have been given is a different mindset for me but I am committed to prayer, Shabbat and trying to keep as Kosher as I possibly can because practicing these things brings me closer to who I want to be and who God wants me to be. It contributes to my purpose and God’s plan for my life.

The Holocaust and Anti-Semitism

All of my life I knew that I was German. I was always ashamed of it because of the Holocaust. I did not know I was actually a German Jew. I never saw Schindler’s list because I was sickened by how the Non Jewish Germans could let the trains go through their towns and not to anything to stop them or stop the killing of so many innocent Jewish men, women and children.

Once I found out about my ancestry, I had no reason to be ashamed any more and in my studies I have watched many films and documentaries on the Holocaust. The one thing that happens is that when I see film of the trains going through towns, I cannot help but cry. It creates such a deep pain in my heart and soul that people would hate so much that they would kill innocent people. I now know that the Jewish people are my people and so the pain is much greater than it was when I only knew that I was German. In reading through our history, I’m shocked, appalled, and confused as to why people have wanted to kill us. It does make me more resolved to educate people, at least those willing to learn about our history, and our faith and to never ever let anything like the Holocaust happen again. I will do anything I can to educate and help people to understand who we are and what our faith means.

My Future Plans for Jewish Study

First and foremost, I want to get better at reading Hebrew. I hope someday to be able to read Torah and be able to get through the service without using my “cheat sheet”. I buy books regarding Judaism, Jewish history and Kabbalah and plan to keep doing so. I am an avid reader and love to learn new things and solidify my knowledge in things I already know. I have looked into becoming a Hazzan as well though I don’t know if I’m ready for five years of intense study. I have been a singer all of my life and learning all the melodies for the service has been fun so the music of Judaism fits right with me. I love when I get the melody down of a particular part of the service because then I can start adding harmonies which adds the beauty of an already beautiful prayer. I have favorites of course but they are all beautiful to me.

Who Would I Invite to a Shabbat Meal

If I could invite anyone, living or dead, to a Shabbat meal, the first person I would choose would be Sigmund Freud. I would like to talk with him about how his psychiatric theories and his Jewish faith came together. The second person I would invite would be Viktor Frankl because his survival of the Holocaust and how he found meaning in it is fascinating to me. The third and fourth persons I would invite are Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander because after all the serious psychiatric discussion, some levity would be in order and these two could bring it. The fifth person I would invite is Kyra Sedgwick. She is Jewish on her mother’s side and I have seen her in interviews and found her to be very smart, funny and enlightened. I would like to know more about her Jewish background and how she celebrates being Jewish now. The sixth and last person I would invite is Adam Levine, lead singer of the band Maroon 5. He is obviously of the “Levy” heritage and is Jewish on his Father and Grandfather’s side. He considers himself Jewish though he rejected formal religious practice for a more “spiritual” way of life. I would be interested to know his reason for doing this and also why as a child he chose not to have a Bar Mitzvah.

In closing I would say that this process has been a pivotal point in my life and I have not only learned a lot about myself, about my community and about the history of our people, but it has given me a new strength, a new way of looking at life, and a new way to get through hard times and know that G-D is always there, choosing to heal, choosing to show the way, and all I had to do was to find my way back.