Mind Games

Every human being reacts to trauma and loss differently. I find this fascinating. This reaction shapes us and plants the seeds of our future selves. For some of us, those seeds turn into the flowers of strength, motivation, and self-actualization. For others of us, they turn into despair and depression which lends itself to a variety of mind games played with one’s psyche and can make us believe things about ourselves that are not a true and accurate picture of who we are.

I believe this is why I have become interested in such shows as Hoarders and My 600 LB Life. These shows depict people who have suffered some kind of trauma or loss, their reaction to it, i.e. hoarding objects even to the detriment of their relationships and home, or eating until they become super obese, and how people try and help them out of this terrible hole their minds have put them in.

In my own personal life I can relate to a certain extent to the attributes of each of these disabilities (hoarding and weight gain). For most of my life I have “collected” things. I have enough books, for example, to fill a small library. But I will say, my books are not in piles all over my house. They are organized neatly on bookshelves all over my house. Every room has at least one book shelf and some have more. I would also say that the collecting of books was not something that came out of a trauma or loss. They are just things in life that I love and surround myself with. Plants are another object that I “collect”. There are plants in every room and again I would say that this is not something that came to me out of trauma or loss. It is something I have done since I was very young. I love the feeling I get when I make something grow; when a simple cutting turns into a beautiful plant. It isn’t irrational. In fact, it is perfectly rational because when you wander through my house you realize exactly who I am.

The people depicted on Hoarders have developed over years and in some cases decades an irrational attachment to things. While they say they love these things, they don’t take care of them, and the process of hoarding does more damage than just a messy house. They have pushed the people who love them to the brink of leaving them for good, they have in some cases caused irreparable damage to their homes even to the point where the home had to be condemned and could not be saved. Their children have left them, their families have deserted them. When things break in the house they can’t get them fixed for fear of someone discovering their secret. These are people who are in the throes of a great depression stemming from some trauma or loss that they experienced in many cases years and years ago. When a new trauma or loss presents itself to these people, the hoarding escalates. Their minds are telling them that these objects are the most important things in their lives when really the most important things are their relationships and their homes. To them, they would rather have the outside world believe just about anything about them other than they are a hoarder and they will go to great lengths to keep their problem a secret. For me, I love the before and afters. I love the rehab shows for this same reason. I love to see something that seems impossible at first glance turn into the possible. I love a happy ending. Call me a Pollyanna if you wish but I just can’t get enough of the happy endings.   

For most of my life, up into my late 30’s I was skinny. I was one of those who could eat and eat and never gain weight. Then I got married and the roller coaster ride started. I can blame it on many things, consciously rationalize it in my mind why I was/am overweight, but in the end, it really comes down to one simple principle, I take in more calories than I expend. Since 2008, I have lost weight and gained it back a few times. I am now at the heaviest I have ever been. This IS due to a trauma and loss I experienced in 2011 and my reaction to it has been to not leave the house unless absolutely necessary and so my exercise was curtailed and my motivation to stay in shape was completely and utterly depleted. I will get back on track and I will lose the weight again and hopefully it will stick but it has to be for the right reason. It has to be for myself and not someone else. It is a process. A process of grieving for what was lost, a process of learning not to blame myself for what happened and a process of learning to except and love myself for who I am and what I have to offer the world. Staying in the house and allowing myself to gain weight is not the answer to protecting myself from the people in this world. Letting the right people into my life is the way to protect myself. When I’m strong enough to make these decisions, I will venture out again. There is a world out there. I know this. I see it when I do go out there. And rationally I know it is not the world I should be afraid of or guard against, it’s the people in it.  

The people depicted on My 600 LB Life are also severely depressed people. Over the years as their size grew and grew, they were never able to get to a point and say “enough is enough” and motivate themselves to lose the weight and get healthy. As in hoarding, they use the weight somehow to protect and shield themselves from the outside world. They have convinced themselves that there is no other way. As their bodies grew and grew and in some cases lymphedema set in, they still don’t come to grips with their situation. In the case of the lymphedema cases, I have a difficult time relating to this because if I see or feel the smallest of lumps on my body, I run out to the doctor. These people have lumps the size of basketballs and in some cases even larger than that. In the show they reach a turning point and decide in their minds that they can do it, that there is a way to live healthy and they turn the corner and get help. They learn to love themselves. They pull themselves out of the depression and they venture into to outside world once again. A happy ending.

 
As John Lennon said in his song Mind Games, “Love is the answer and you know that for sure. Love is a flower; you got to let it grow”