Live In Joy

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last year or more focusing on negative things because of the intolerable situation I let myself be put in but there have actually been quite a few positive things that have come out of it that I really should pay more attention to and focus on.

The first thing is that I was able to complete my conversion process and Judaism has brought me such comfort, joy and pride in spite of everything I have endured. I doubt that I would have been able to complete the process with the amount of passion that I did and I certainly wouldn’t have learned as much as I did about things that really weren’t part of the conversion process had I not gone through what I did. In doing all that I also made my Rabbi a very happy and proud man that his last conversion before his retirement was such a passionate and dedicated student. So the blessing was actually two-fold.

I got my freedom, something I really hadn’t had for 13 years. It is a different kind of freedom than I had in the past because I was able to negotiate and keep the best part of the relationship I had with my husband and that was our friendship. Being married to each other didn’t bring out the best in either one of us and now we’ve finally been able to be honest with each other and remain friends. I don’t think I would have been able to do this if not for having to deal with the difficult situation I had. The freedom now is also different than the freedom I had before I was married. I have a home, a really good job, my physical health is much better and I am more educated and spiritual which makes me more confident in who I am. I have done the work over the years and know exactly who I am.  

People are comfortable with people who feel comfortable about themselves. This transcends race, religion, culture, age and sexual orientation. Ralph Waldo Emerson said “Who you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying”. How you feel about yourself shouts to me so loudly that what you say is almost irrelevant. This last year has taught me to have antenna now that I did not have before. Previously, when I met someone or talked to someone, even on the phone, I focused on how they made me feel.  Now, I know I can learn so much more by actually seeing and focusing on how the person feels about themselves. If they are not comfortable with themselves, they are going to attempt, whether consciously or subconsciously to put me in an uncomfortable situation as well. If a person is comfortable with themselves, then I’m going to feel comfortable relating with them and being involved with them. I have learned now that this is a fairly safe and sure barometer as to whether you should let someone in your life.   

Musically I gained quite a bit of knowledge about Latin music, something I always loved but had never been inspired to learn too much about. I found out that there is a colorful fluent history behind Latin music and it changed my perspective and increased the love I always had for it. I can hear now how the Latin Rhythms have influenced popular music and I can hear its influence in songs by some of my favorite bands and performers.   

I learned about a new language and even began to learn it, along with my required Hebrew language. Ladino, which is a part of Jewish culture and heritage, but not part of my Jewish heritage, is almost as old as Hebrew. I’m proud that I am one of few who know about it and that I also know the history behind it. I have found that it always impresses other Jews that first of all a convert, and second that an Ashkenazim would have knowledge of such a thing. It makes my heart happy to be able to share with someone something new about a part of their culture that they weren’t aware of before. It makes me feel like a bridge between the two groups, Ashkenazim and Sephardim, and in my mind it is a bridge that should have been built long ago.   

I started writing in earnest my book and have come quite far with it. I will finish it in the next year. Perhaps it will be published, perhaps it won’t but it will be a record of my life and experiences and I believe it is a story worth telling. I hope that if it published, it inspires, educates and comforts those who can connect with my story.

I have a new outlook on what it is like to be with people. I look at them differently now. I’ve had experiences with negative people, and I recognize the positive people. I now know the difference between a negative person, and someone who authentically cares about me. I know the difference between a negative person who looks down on me, and a person who really cares about me and considers me their equal. I can now recognize the difference between people who care that I’m happy and people who are jealous that I am. And I know which ones to avoid!

I know what I want in a relationship. I can not give up hope that I will find it. I want chemistry, someone I can have conversations with about anything, someone who makes me laugh and someone I can make laugh. I want attraction and romance and at this point in my life I know that if none of those things are there, it’s better to not have a “partner” and not having a “partner” is not a bad thing. I am never alone. I’m surrounded by friends who love and appreciate me. I would rather spend the time enjoying the life I have, which is a good one,  than spend the time wishing, waiting and hoping for something that is never going to happen and was never going to happen.

I have also learned another very important lesson, when to give up! Give up the minute you feel someone is not being open and honest. If you feel in the beginning that someone is hiding something, more than likely, they are. The time to leave is then. Don’t make excuses for them; don’t spend time trying to find out what it is that that they are hiding; don’t convince yourself that they will change. They won’t, trust me and your time is better spent with people who are open and honest with you. Leave before you are attached. It is way less painful that way. 

Another really valuable lesson I have learned is that people don’t really change who they are at their core. I will never ever go back and connect with anyone from my past again. There is a reason why they are in the past and that is exactly where they should stay. I don’t regret it, I had to go through it to learn the lesson but I won’t do it again. Just because you can reconnect with people from your past doesn’t mean you should. I’ve had three experiences so far with people from my past. Two of them turned out to be people who hurt me in this life worse than they ever hurt me in the past. The other one I’ve been friends with for more than twenty years, so it hasn’t all been bad. I just wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past. There is nothing you can do about what happened there and more than likely, if you try to change the past, you will find it more painful than the first time around. People just don’t change that much. You can only change yourself and what happens now.

I am learning a lesson now from my life over the last year or more that you’d think at my age I would have learned long ago considering what my childhood was like and other parts of my life as well. This is probably the most important concept because it ties everything together. And that concept is forgiveness. Forgive the person who has injured you, not for them, for yourself because as long as you can’t forgive them, try to understand what they did, why they did it, as long as you are focused on the wrong that was done to you, carry it around inside you, you can’t focus on the joy in your life. Forgiveness comes at the realization and acceptance that things could not have turned out any other way. Forgiveness comes when you stop making excuses for the person, stop trying to figure out why, stop rationalizing their behavior and just accept that they have a defect in their personality, you can’t change them, you feel sorry for them, but them injuring you is not your fault. The fact that the person has this defect made it impossible for the situation to turn out any other way. Forgive and then you can move on and live in joy. Of course this doesn’t mean that in forgiving the person you have to have them in your life or trust them again. In fact, they don’t even need to know that you forgive them because you’re not doing it for them; you are doing it for yourself and all the people involved in your life. The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to move forward is the happiest. Be brave. Be strong. Be happy. Be free. Your responsibility in life is to find a way, for the next generations, for your family, and friends, to live in joy. You are useless to anybody including yourself if you are living in despondency and blame.

I recently saw an interview with Jake Ehrenreich, the author and star of the Broadway one man show, A Jew Grows in Brooklyn. When asked why a people who had endured so much hatred and horror, so much persecution, the Jewish people, could be so involved in the world of comedy, his response hit very close to home. He said that in order to live, you need to live in joy and he is right. We all have challenges in our lives and things that are better in our lives. You can focus on one or the other. They’re all real. It is true that they are both real. People who are depressed; they have a tendency to focus on those negative things in their lives. My mother was like that. Still is actually. People who live in joy, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have challenges in their lives, they do, but they focus mostly on the joy. Somehow as a people we have figured out a way to laugh through the imperfections of life. It is very unusual, but when you talk about the idea of a people, it is something that we as Jews can be very proud of because laughing through the misery and through the hard times and finding something funny, is a real gift. I am a part of these people. I may not have been raised in the culture but I have been around it most of my life and I have the genetics, no question. When I look at myself now, I see an Irish Jew. It all makes sense; the gift of gab, my sense of humor. I know who I am and I am proud of who I am. I will never again let someone make me feel less than because I am more than most people ever deserve. I am more than most people are ever worthy of simply because I have overcome so much and have come out not just ahead but actually enlightened. And my greatest gift from the creator is the ability to know when it is time to make a change and my capacity to make that change. I would have never thought in my twenties that I would have become a successful professional, a spiritually enlightened, funny woman, who like a cat has had many lives and life experiences. I will still struggle, because after all I am human and my most difficult challenge is to miss someone once I am “involved”. I always find it difficult to accept that at times in my life I have wanted to be with people who not only never really wanted to be with me, but never had the intention to do so. I always find it hard to accept and to understand why some people would purposely set out to deceive and hurt others but I am not alone in that. Every person comes into your life to teach you a lesson. I can take some comfort in that, comfort in my friends and parts of my family who do love me and want to spend time with me. I need to learn my lessons well, take my medicine when I make mistakes and live for the joy. That’s really all any of us can do.  

Remember, we may have different faces, we may have different faiths, but above all, we must see each other as members of one human family. A great Jewish sage said, “If you believe that it can be broken, then you must know it can also be fixed”. 

Alone Again...Naturally

There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone all those years ago before I married. It’s wasn’t because I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love, and then you don’t have it. What if you like it, and lean on it, what if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain? I still don't know if you can. Loosing love is like organ damage, it’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends; this...it could go on forever.

You can seek the advice of others; surround yourself with trusted advisers but in the end the decision is always yours and yours alone. Everyone has a method of how to get over loosing love but when it’s time to act and you’re all alone with your back against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you probably already knew, the one that’s almost always right. 

The next step though is predicated upon being able to hear that voice in your head and many of us have more than one, leaving us confused and not knowing which way to go. We have the one that wants to believe the best and the one that believes every one of us is selfish at our core; that there is no one on the planet who thinks about others. Two competing theories that have the same outcome...at the end of the day...you are alone...again, naturally. 

In Gilbert O'Sulivan's song he talks about being left at the alter and wanting to throw himself off a tower. He was looking forward to his new life and role as a husband, and in an instant reality cut him to pieces causing him to doubt in God's mercy, even God's very existence. The truth as I have come to know it through the study of Kabbalah is that God put everything here; the good , the bad and everything in between so that when we are in doubt, we would seek knowledge in order to be closer to the creator. Each one of us at any given moment, in sorrow or immense happiness can choose to seek knowledge. 

Every one of us has only two choices in life, no matter what situation we are faced with. We think because we're human we have free will in all things but the reality is this: We have only two choices, to activate either the will to receive or the will to bestow. There are no other choices. When you are in a place where you feel you have lost love, the best way to get out of your head, and stop listening to the two competing voices is to activate the will to bestow. Go do something for someone or something else; something that is not self serving. You wil find first of all, love is there because whom ever you bestow upon will be grateful and will show you love in return, but it will also make your pain seem very small when compared to someone who doesn't have food or an animal who has been mistreated and neglected. The added benefit is that even though the reality is, we are each alone in this world, when you help someone or something else, you don't feel it as much.

The Thread of Life

We dream of hope, we dream of change; the fire of love, of death. Then it happens, the dream becomes real and the answer to this quest, this need to solve life’s mysteries finally shows itself, like the glowing light of a new dawn.

So much struggle for meaning, for purpose and in the end we only find it in each other; our shared experience of the fantastic and of the mundane. The simple human need to find kindred, to connect and know in our hearts that we are not alone.

In the on going search for one’s self, there are days when we learn something genuinely new, something uncovered; hidden, that we never knew was there. Something that surprises us; and on that day of self discovery, a question remains. What kind of person are we? Does the hero or the villain inside us win the day?

And as the search for self continues, we look for answers everywhere; in nature, in God, in tiny tragedies that may never be understood. But still we are driven to it, single minded on one goal, to find our purpose on this earth. No matter what the ramifications, the friendships that may be hurt or the deals with the devil we need to make.

 There is good and there is evil, right and wrong, heroes and villains and if we’re blessed with wisdom, then there are glimpses between the cracks of each where light streams through. We wait in silence for these times when sense can be made; when meaningless existence comes into focus and our purpose presents itself and if we have the strength to be honest, then what we find there staring back at us is our own reflection…bearing witness to the duality of life that each one of us is capable of both the dark and the light, good and evil, of either, of all and destiny while marching ever in our direction can be rerouted by the choices we make; by the love we hold on to and the promises we keep.

We are all connected; joined together by an invisible thread. Infinite in it’s potential and fragile in its design. Yet while connected we are also merely individuals, empty vessels to be filled with infinite possibilities; an assortment of thoughts, beliefs, a collection of disjointed memories and experiences. Can I be me without these? Can you be you? And if these invisible threads that hold us together were to ever cease what then? What would become of billions of lone disconnected souls? Therein lies the great quest of our lives; to find, to connect, to hold on. For when our hearts are pure and our thoughts in line, we are truly one, capable of repairing our fragile world and creating a universe of infinite possibilities.

There are nearly 7 billion people on this planet. Each one unique; different. What are the chances of that and why is it simply biology, physiology that determines this diversity? A collection of thoughts, memories, experiences that carve out our own special place or is it something more than this? Perhaps there is a master plan that drives the randomness of creation. Something unknowable that dwells in the soul and presents each one of us with a unique set of challenges that will help us discover who we really are.

At 54 I’m still discovering who I am; uncovering new strengths, new connections to the world around me. I am like a deep never ending well, full of the water of possibilities, yet also filled with the memories of my past. These are the things of which I dream; of a past filled with immeasurable pleasures and excruciating pains and of a future filled with infinite possibilities for more of both. Either way, I will learn, grow and become a stronger person for what experiences and connections I forge, what ever the outcome may be. It is not being alive that's important, it is the living.   

What I Have Lived For

 

The Prologue to Bertrand Russell's Autobiography

"Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what--at last--I have found.  

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved. 

Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate this evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.  

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me."

Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) won the Nobel prize for literature for his History of Western Philosophy and was the co-author of Principia Mathematica.

Blessings

One of the biggest mistakes that people make is that we all tend to take life for granted. Very often the joy of life, the wonder of life, the awe inspiring nature of life, is forgotten, unseen. All of us tend to be so busy, so distracted in life that very often we can miss the wonder and the miracle of life. Not just in the grandeur of nature but in the splendor of the people we love, and all we have in life, the sustenance we have. For example the ability to live in a free country, to have close friends, the ability to live in a situation surrounded by people who love us and give us the opportunity to be enriched by them. We also live in a land of plenty but unfortunately not only is the plenty over looked, but it never seems to be enough. We take for granted what we have. By going out of our way to notice everything of beauty that we see and hear, what we eat and drink, who we talk to and connect with, it helps us to be grateful for what we have instead of focusing on what we don’t.

I think the difference between a happy person and a sad one is that a happy person is grateful for what they have and focuses on that on a daily basis. An unhappy person is consumed by what they don’t have, overwhelmed by what they do have, and living is a source of pain for them and for the people who get involved with them. Whatever you focus on only gets larger, so if you constantly worry that things are not going to work out, they probably won’t. If you constantly worry about whether people are going to disappoint you, they probably will. If you are constantly on the lookout for someone to cheat you or get over on you, no doubt, someone will. If you consistently look for inconsistencies in other people’s behaviors, you will find them because we’re all human and we’re all different. If you dismiss people because you find them incompatible before you’ve even given them a chance to really show whether they are or not, you will end up alone, sad and disappointed because everyone is incompatible with everyone else on some level.

A happy person wakes up every day grateful to be alive another day, grateful that the sun is shining or the rain is falling, happy they have a job, happy they have a family, happy they have friends and connections with people who enrich their lives on a daily basis. Instead of looking for inconsistencies and incompatibilities, a happy person looks for the things they have in common with others and celebrates and tries to understand the differences. A happy person wonders every day what can they do to make the world a better place, whether it is simply having a nice conversation with the lady who cleans the bathrooms in the office at the end of the day, asking her how she is, how her family is, cracking a joke and making her smile, or calling someone you haven’t talked to in a while and letting them know that you’re thinking about them. Even something as simple as sending someone you like a text message with a smiley face could brighten their day when it hasn’t been going so good. There are so many small things that can be done for others that in the end make you a happy person because you’ve done something for someone else.

Every one of us has a special purpose, a special mitzvah if you will, that we are supposed to accomplish in our time here. In case there is someone out there that doesn’t know, there are really two meanings to the word Mitzvah. One is of course the commandments or Mitzvoh which is the plural of Mitzvah, and the other meaning is "acts of loving kindness". Everyone has specific "acts of loving kindness" that are their very own purpose. For most of us, we have no idea what that is. If I were to think about what mine is, I’m sure it would have something to do with animals. I have taken in strays in for most of my life, mostly cats, but I had a dog as well for 15 years. I feed the birds and squirrels that come into my yard year round and always make sure, no matter what the season that they have fresh water to drink. I volunteer at a horse rescue farm which rescues and rehabilitates horses that have been neglected and abused. At work I buy peanuts from the hot dog man and feed them to the city squirrels. I’m not sure if this is my purpose but it seems like it might be. I’m not sure how acts of loving kindness towards animals helps the human race but I like to think that it does somehow. It sure makes me feel good and makes me happy.

Shabbat Shalom everyone!  

                           Squirrel sitting on my leg at work eating a peanut!

The Walrus and The Carpenter

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

~~ Lewis Carroll

I love this poem. It is from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, written in 1872. My interpretation of this crazy poem is that the Walrus and the Carpenter asked the Oysters to walk with them along the beach knowing the whole time they were going to eat them. The older oysters refused, knowing what was going to happen But the young oysters didn't know any better and so they eagerly followed the Walrus and the Carpenter thinking they were going to have a pleasant walk and talk along the beach, only to meet their sad fate along with a loaf of bread. I don't eat oysters myself but I have heard they are delicious!   

No News is Good News

I consider myself to be up on current events. It wasn’t always this way, and I’m not sure when that changed. I can remember being in my 20s and the last thing I would watch on TV or listen to on the radio was a news broadcast. Maybe it changed with the advent of the “24 Hour News Cycle”, I don’t know.

Yesterday’s big story was the charge of cheating on the Olympic Badminton team. I didn’t even know this was an Olympic sport and for such hell to be raised over them cheating just left me gobsmacked. Apparently they were throwing games to get an easier draw in the finals. I’ve been told that this happens in Soccer quite frequently. In soccer, that makes sense to me, but in badminton? Really?

Then there was the story of needles in the airline sandwiches. Needles! What kind of person does such a thing I wondered? They declared it wasn’t a terrorist act. Really? You don’t say? This is not something that would have entered my mind first off – “Oh, needles in airplane sandwiches, must be terrorists!” Who ever it was that did this was just some sick person. They deemed it to be a “prank”. A prank? Ok, I think it’s a little more serious than a prank but not serious enough to suspect terrorism…just saying.

Then there is the uplifting story of the girl who lifted a car off of her father and gave him CPR and saved his life. The incident happened in the family’s garage. While I’m glad her dad is ok, and impressed that she saved his life, my first question was “How did the car get on top of him in the first place, in the family garage of all places?” But all is well that ends well. The girl still has her daddy though they didn’t mention what kind of shape the car was in.

There seems to always be something going on and none of it is usually very good. There are a lot of days when I just simply don’t watch the news because it seems to all be bad. I have a suggestion. I think once or twice a week, all the news stations, including the 24 hour a day cable ones, should take a day or two and only report good news! Imagine a broadcast filled with only good new stories: A country was saved from famine and poverty, a war was over when negotiations were reached, or better yet, a war was avoided because the parties came to an understanding of each other,  all abandoned dogs and cats were taken in by loving families, a cat saved it’s owners life by dialing 911 and meowing into the phone, a dog pulled someone to safety after the person fell and was hanging on a cliff’s edge, the garbage collectors in New York City picked up all the trash bags in the street and for once the city is sparkling clean, a religious conference was held with all the people in the world of different faiths and everyone decided to just “get along”, all the spammers and hackers in the world were captured and forced to do community services. These are the stories that I would like to hear about.  

I often wonder what it will be like in 200, 500, 1000 years from now, if there are still people on this planet, if they will pull these old news stories and wonder “What were they thinking?” or if they will be impressed with our ability to find some news, somewhere, 24 hours a day, 7 days week, even if most of it was in fact bad. Maybe some executive from some broadcasting company somewhere will read this blog and take my suggestion. A girl can hope can’t she?

Occam's Razor - The Oldest Answer to New Problems

  The answer to all of life's proverbial problems and dilemmas can be answered with one simple principle, Occam's Razor. The 14th century logician and Franciscan friar William of Ockham stated that people should select from competing hypotheses, the one which makes the fewest assumptions, the one that has a simpler explanation rather than a more complex one. The theory has been applied in science, philosophy, mathematics, and statistics. It is the oldest version of the saying "Keep it Simple Stupid" or KISS. 

In life we run across competing hypotheses on an almost constant basis as we navigate the waters of human relationships. There are competing hypotheses in everything from relationships between men and women to relationships with our children. And we have ways to express these hypotheses to each other and receive feedback on our hypotheses as social media takes over the planet. Everyone has problems (competing hypotheses) and there is always someone there to read about it, or write about their own experiences, if only in 140 character tweets.

It makes me wonder about people who did not have this expression at their fingertips. Would Marilyn Monroe have swallowed a bottle of pills and alcohol if she had had twitter? Would James Dean been so self destructive if he'd had a My Space page where he could interact with his fans? What about Mark Anthony? If he'd had a Facebook page, a place where he could declare his undying love for Cleopatra and receive comments the likes of "Yea man, she's hot", or "Man, that bitch be playin you", would he have fallen on his own sword for her? I think not. 

But Occam's Razor depends on you being able to reasonably figure out which is the simpler explanation. The truth is, and especially when it has to do with relationships, we make things so complicated and I think we do it just because the simpler explanation is just more painful than we can wrap our heads around. We all have histories, blueprints of our lives that determine our behaviors towards others; blueprints that define what we will and will not believe about each other. The truth is, a person who behaves as if they don't care, really just doesn't care. We can fool ourselves into thinking up all kinds of reasons why the person behaves that way. We can even listen to their explanations and believe them, because we so want to, up to a certain point. But at the end of the day, you have to look at the way the person behaved throughout your interactions with them, not what they said, but what they did. If their behavior doesn't line up with what their explanations are, they are not being truthful. It's not your job to figure out WHY they are not being truthful, only that they are not. "Why" is for their therapist. If you try to figure out why, you'll be the one that ends up in an asylum somewhere, drooling in the corner with your arms wrapped in one of those oh-so-fashionable jackets. When a person lies to people, it's a flaw in THEIR character, not yours so don't take it personally. Just get out of their way and make way for someone who doesn't lie. Occam's Razor - sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer and the one that's right in front of you. Less assumptions to worry about, it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  

The trick is finding someone with whom you can balance the meeting of each others needs and desires. We all have selfish moments. We have moments where we only think of ourselves. But most of us don't live our whole life that way. We have all been in relationships where we have had our hearts broken, and we have been in relationships where we broke someone's heart. In life, as it goes, some days you're the windshield and some days...well, some days you're the bug.

Hope Floats

There is a difference between hope and expectations. The dictionary defines hope as "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best". It defines expectation as "the act or the state of expecting; to wait in expectation; the act or state of looking forward or anticipating."  So what's the difference? They sound almost the same don't they? Well, there is definitely a difference.
 
When you hope for something, you are leaving the door open to things not turning out the way you want them to. You hope that the person you love will love you back. You hope that the the things the person you love are saying to you are in fact true. You hope that you actually mean something to that person. This is in the beginning, when you have no choice but to hope, because it's all you have, you don't know. You are dealing with an absence of information, no experience with that person, a lack of connection. You're also dealing with that ever increasing "butterflies in your heart", hot flushed felling when you hear his voice, see his face and you can't help but allow yourself to hope. But in the beginning you know that there is a possibility that things won't go your way. You hope that he'll treat you with honesty, respect, and kindness, but the minute he doesn't, your hopes are dashed, the rose colored glasses ripped off your face, the cloud of attraction and desire dissipates and you easily give up the hope that you had that everything will turn out OK; because it's the beginning, and in the beginning, it's easy to give up hope, you're not loosing very much. What, you've had a couple of months or less with this person and they're already not treating you the way you should be treated? So you move on; a little stung, but you learn to hope for the next one. And there's always a next one...until there's not. 

Once you've been in a relationship with someone for a while, that hope that was so prevalent in the beginning has now turned into expectation. Once you have experience with this person, things have been said, promises have been made, and a connection has been forged. The expectations get higher and higher as your time together increases. You don't just "hope" that he'll treat you with honesty, respect, and kindness, you "expect" that he will. You expect that he will call or see you on special days, your birthday, Valentines day, holidays. You expect that he will show up for special events in your life, or at the very least, plan to. You expect flowers, on special occasions, or sometimes just because. You expect him to express how he feels about you, and you expect him to not just "want" to see you, but to actually see you, spend time with you face to face, in each other's presence, because this after all is what makes the bond between you grow stronger. Some of us, as we get further along in a relationship, expect marriage and children. For others of us, we're getting a little long in tooth for those sort of expectations and so we're just satisfied with the expectation of growing "older" together. Maybe we don't even expect marriage because at our age, we quite possibly have already been through one or more of those and it didn't turn out too well and has soured our view of the institution. As Henry Louis Mencken said "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution".

So, what do you do when your expectations haven't been met? You've gone so far into the relationship that your hope turned to expectation and your expectation turned to bitter disappointment, anger, heartbreak and now, hopelessness. You are left with a pit in your stomach so large you could fit the Olympic Stadium in there. You constantly ask yourself why, why did this person do this to me? And how, how could this person who said and did all these nice things to get me involved in a relationship with them, now is acting like the biggest asshole that ever walked the earth? And the ever important, what is it about this person that causes me to still love them even though they are being such a jerk? What is wrong with me that I still care about this person when they couldn't even behave in a normal way, or treat me with the respect, dignity and honesty that every one of us deserves?

To be completely honest here, I have no earthly idea what you do! You can try to make it right, try to reason with him but there's one thing I do know, you can't be reasonable with an unreasonable person. And let's face it, any one who cons you into a relationship for their own purposes, who can't be honest, and who is so self absorbed that they can't see past the nose on their own face, is not really going to give a crap about how you feel. I'm sorry if that's harsh but I'm trying to keep it real. Not just for my readers but for myself as well.

Everytime We Say Godbye

In our lifetime we must say a million goodbyes, starting from the first one where we say goodbye to the first place we lived; that warm, connected space of our mother's womb where we were fed, sang to, talked to and loved.

The easiest goodbye are the ones we say to our friends as they go off on a journey. We wish them well, to have fun, take lots of pictures and send us a post card. We think they'll come back back with some small trinket from their journey, a memory that we both will share of their trip. Sometimes they do, but sometimes in the whirlwind of traveling, their friends at home are far from their minds. And it's ok, isn't it, because after all, that is what trips are for. To relax, see the sites and forget about home. 

The hardest goodbyes are the ones we don't want to say; to a dying parent, a child or our beloved pets. But we say them because we must. It is the last time we'll be able to talk to them because once they're gone, they aren't coming back. In some ways, this is the more merciful way of the universe because it is easier to say goodbye than to watch the ones we love in pain.

He was sick, so very sick and I knew it. I'd been through it enough times to know. When I first took him to the doctor, it wasn't the diagnosis I'd expected, so when the doctor told me he had Liver Cancer, I knew then he was going to die. I could have let him die naturally but to do that meant I had to watch him in severe pain and I couldn't do that to him, or to myself. I spent two days saying goodbye to him. I spent every waking moment with him and kept him in bed with me so I could wake up in the night and feel his soft furry body next to me and so that he would know that I was there. He wouldn't eat or drink so I tried to smear a little food on his mouth so he'd be forced to lick it off. I put him by his water bowl and he did drink some. 

Then came the morning that I took him in to the Vets. I talked to him the whole time, telling him how much I loved him, would miss him but that he wouldn't be in pain any more and he could see Gabby, and Jerry. He could run in the sun and have all the bickies he could eat. I held him in my arms as the doctor gave him the shot to make him sleepy. He almost immediately went completely limp. The doctor left me alone with him and by the time she came back, his fur was soaked in places with my tears. I laid him on the table and she gave him the second shot and he was gone in seconds. His beautiful golden eyes stayed open but his pupils dilated so large that you could hardly see the golden color any more. The doctor left me alone with him again and I held him, stroked him all over and kissed his face over and over. I cried and cried. I must have used a half of a box of Kleenex in there.

In the end, I have a beautiful scroll carved box of his ashes that sits on my book shelf; a lock of his beautiful black and white chest fur in a small plastic bag lays on top of it. Every now and then, when I'm missing him really badly, I open that small plastic bag, take out the lock and smell it, feel it, stare at it, remembering what it was attached to; a big beautiful, black and white tuxedo cat named Sooty who came into my life from a pet store 13 years ago and in what seemed like a blink of an eye, was gone. All dressed up and finally, he had a place to go. Rest in Peace Sooty Andrew Buckley.

Of Man and Myth

Everything is mythical when you're seven years old; fathers, mothers, Santa, God, the alleged protective powers of a gold medallion. It's not that certain things seem larger than life, it's just, life seems larger. But the world keeps spinning and in a thousand tiny surrenders or sometimes in one fell swoop, what you'd seen as truly mythical, you learn is merely myth. 

The good news, if you can call it that, is that ultimately you find other myths to believe in, and other men as well. You see the myth for what it is, close up and in it's bones, smaller and greater and more like you than you'd care to admit. It never the less leaves you, always, every single time, sitting foolish on the doorstep awaiting it's return. No matter how much your brain tells you he's not worthy, he's just a myth, he is not coming back, in your heart, your strongest wish is that he would appear again, rose in hand, ready, willing and able to talk to you again; wanting to take you to that mythical magical place he came from and make everything alright again.

Happily Ever After

Someone once told me that there is truth in fairy tales. The problem with fairy tales, and I tried to explain this to them, is that they end too soon. They are at best, a prolog to the messy chapters to come. Sure Snow White and Prince Charming may do "happily ever after" for a while, but then she comes home to find him banging Rapunzel in the big bed, and you've got a different story. There's no truth in fairy tales, not really. Know how you can tell? They're called "Fairy Tales". 

There's a reason we out grow fairy tales. Let's face it, happily ever after is crock; it's a con, a shell game, for the sucker on the street. They're just words; pretty words; the equally empty bookend to "Once upon a time". But our lives aren't determined by some story book, star crossed destiny. They're not determined by what we're told is "meant to be". Our lives are determined by dumb luck, the actions we take, and the courage we summon in our moments of truth. Unlike fairy tales, real life doesn't come with "The End" in gilded cursive on the very last page. Our stories never end. "Happily ever after" for most of us, is really just the beginning. There's a million "ever afters" in everybody's lives. Because every time you think you've reached the finish line, the gun goes off again.  

Cognitive Dissonance

Somewhere between the primordial soup and the dirty cell phone pictures, our minds invented a way to course correct for our mistakes and disappointments. Leon Festinger called it Cognitive Dissonance. The worst part is, it works, if only for a while.

Cognitive Dissonance is simple. You convince yourself that whatever it is in front of you is exactly what you want; that it's good, right, especially when it's not. 

The mind's ability to fool itself knows almost no boundaries but eventually the lucky among us comes to our senses. The smoke fades and we see things for how they really are. Whether by words of wisdom or the flicker of a flashlight we muddle through the fog; landing on the long and winding road we're meant to travel. However baffling, we learn to trust that path or at least stay on it. And having no earthly clue where the hell it's heading means, we'll never be lost...at least not for long.

Phantom Limbs and Childhood Thinking

There is a phenomenon some people experience, those that have lost an arm or a leg, called "Phantom Limb". They feel pain, heat, cold, even movement despite the fact that strictly and scientifically speaking, there is no "there" there. It is as if the body can not accept the fact that something so essential, so natural a part, has moved on. The memory of what had always been there is so strong that even in it's clear and sudden absence the connection can not be denied. 

Children are like our "phantom limbs". Even when they leave they are never really gone. They come back from time to time, for laundry, or a shoulder, or a fist full of cash; to dance with you at a friend's wedding. And those sleep deprived, whirling dervish early days that you thought would never end, somehow, they do. Then you blink, look up, and you find a boyfriend with a beard and a U-Haul on your front lawn. 

Psychologists say children believe in magic because their brains can't grasp the limits of natural laws. As a kid, I tried to bend spoons with my mind like a magician I had seen on Saturday morning TV. It broke my heart when it didn't work. I thought, if I couldn't think a spoon into a knot, how could I will my mother to put down the Jim Beam and the bottle of pills long enough to make dinner, or wish my father into coming back home to eat it.

Beginning again. Some people embrace it, the chance to start fresh, to leave whatever baggage behind. For others of us, change is a dizzying loss of control. We cling to our baggage like a floatation device, like a phantom limb. Our old life is gone, changed forever, and yet we cling to the feelings, cling to memories, cling to the hope of what it could have been like. We feel the pain, the cold, the heat, and we can't move away, can't let go. 

What is unleashed in the soul when we love outside ourselves is sharp, unexpected and beyond words. Love turns smart people stupid and conjures courage from thin air. That we can love so wildly, so recklessly, yet feel it in the tame ways of every day, is something of a miracle. 

For some, a miracle, ordinary or otherwise, would take a miracle. Still, there's room for repentance, there's hope, if only in glimmers. For others, hope is all there is. Love, miracles, hope, not my kind of words any more but I find as life pushes relentlessly on, they nudge their way in and set up shop, undeniable as moon tides. The pie in the sky, magical thinking of childhood is quietly replaced by a grown up sense of wonder and the reality that something as simple as a sunset...can still surprise you.

Holy Chewy Cookies Batman!

 A priest came to our house not long after my Dad left. He was tall, thin and wreaked of birds. He told us that Dad was gone because that's how God wanted it. My face turned hot; as it does now when ever I see stained glass, The Sound of Music or a Salsa band. I didn't take it very well. He never came back. Shortly after that Nettie began telling people she' d been excommunicated from the Catholic Church for getting a divorce. I should have known then that the Catholic Church was full of smoke and mirrors; a religion based on lies and misinterpretations of the Hebrew bible but many times over the years, I gave it a second chance. 

I am what many would call, often as an accusation, a non-believer. It's a charge I consider unfair because all of us, no matter the connection we feel or don't, when sitting under the stars, or feeling the world closing in, doing what comes naturally, or rearranging the furniture, all of us believe in something. I believe in many things. I believe in first impressions and second chances; for forgotten people of our society, for holy men of all faiths, and for helpless, hapless family members. I believe in telling the truth to people you love at every possible turn and lying, just a little, at what seems the appropriate time. I believe in finding people you'd run through a brick wall for and making sure they know it, if in not so many words. But mostly, I believe in love; at first site, at second or third site, or thirty-two years later site. Sweet or bittersweet, that's my church. 

Also, I believe in taking the cookies out of the oven two minutes early. I mean, come on, right?

We Love What We Love

We moved on Christmas Eve, the year I turned five. Nettie bought my brother a stack of used 45's, me a yard sale tricycle and we got a patch of grass with some woods in front of the apartment. This after having a huge back and front yard in the house James - my father - built for us. Nettie told me if I peddled good and slow I could go anywhere I wanted. "Anywhere I wanted" extended only to the patch of grass and woods in front of the apartment but still, it was freedom. A five year old's version of the "open road". That was probably the last vehicle I got really attached to, until my green Cavalier which I bought in 2001 brand new and totaled in 2010. I cried at the car lot when getting my things out of it. Her poor little bumper hanging off her face like a broken smile. 

We love what we love. For some people it's the first grade crush, or the ninth grade crush. For others, it's a tricycle, the wrong guy or the New York Mets. For some of us, it's unreachable; something we've maybe never even had before. And we know that even if we reach it, pull it close, and make it ours, it won't last. It won't but we keep on. It doesn't matter if it's a tricycle, or the wrong guy, or the New York Mets, It doesn't matter what we reach for. What matters...is the reaching. 

Character is Destiny

 

I like the sound of three word phrases; "Fools rush in", "Greed is good", "Character is destiny". That one comes up a lot when people are staring down the barrel of starting a whole new life. In the witness protection program, they take the witness's documents, jewelry, pictures, they take it all. And as much as the witnesses know they have a chance to start fresh, I keep a stash of photographs on my computer of a man who said he cared, said I was important, and said that I was in good hands, and then never showed up in person before leaving for good. Witnesses can't hold on to anything. They are lucky if they get to keep their secrets.   

For the chronic do gooder, for the happy go lucky sociopath, for the dysfunctional family, under the gun, everyone reverts to who they are. We may hunger to map out a new course, but for most of us, the lines have been drawn since we were five. 

Love Hurts

Some say love is the only thing in life we have that's real. Some say life would be a whole lot better without it. For me, the jury is still out. 

I loved that pet rock my brother gave me for my birthday because it was from him. Then I threw it at Danny Mangrum; hit him right in the temple. He went down like a Christmas tree in January. I loved Danny. I just wanted to make sure he knew it. I think he did. He ended up being my first kiss.  

Life is long and love is...well, love. It's messy and scary and wonderful and can move mountains. But two people have to love each other enough to make it work. And when they do, I believe it isn't so hard to make it work, or at least it shouldn't be.

We always seem to hurt the ones we love the most or the ones we love the most, hurt us. This is also the power of love because if we didn't love, we wouldn't be hurt. And I believe the amount we are hurt by the one we love is in direct proportion to how much we love them. 

When we're hurt, we inevitably do the one thing that makes it not work, that pushes the one we love away; the last thing we want when we love someone. But we can't seem to help ourselves. We throw that pet rock at them, thinking we'll then get their attention; they will then know how much we love them when in reality, all they see is that we tried to hurt them and they back further away. Because whether we love a little, or a lot, the last thing anyone wants is to be hurt. 

But if we want to feel the mountain move, if we want to feel the joy of truly loving someone, this is the risk we take, the risk of being hurt because with out love, what else is there to life? No one ever laid on their deathbed and said "I'm glad I performed well at my job", "I'm glad I micro managed my child to the point of them not being able to be their own person", or even worse, "I'm glad I let my child run free with no guidance because it made them a strong person", or "I'm glad I let that girl slip away because I was so scared". No, if we have never taken a risk for love, never loved anyone enough to put our own own needs aside for a moment, never felt that mountain move, that will be the biggest regret we have when we lay dying. If we aren't willing to take the risk, within reason of course, to show our children what a healthy loving relationship is, then that will not only be our regret, but our children's regret as well.

I can't say love is the only thing that's real, and I can't say the world would be better off without it. I can only say, I loved someone once, still love them. I put my own needs aside and put him first. I took a risk and it didn't work out. He lied, used and hurt me. But I felt the mountain move and I will have no regrets. I will end up a stronger person for it and one day, one day I will wake up, the pain will be gone, and I won't care any more, because I won't love him. He won't know it of course, but that day will be the day that he looses the best gift that was ever given to him.   

Hurt

We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt. It can hurt people we love; people we don't; people caught in the middle; even people who'd give anything if they could just never ever be hurt again. But sometimes the hurt can't be avoided. It's just coming at us and can't be stopped. It's in us and can't be seen. Or it's lying next to us in dark, waiting. 

But sometimes, it doesn't come at all. Sometimes we get this other thing, that flutters down out of nowhere and stays just long enough to give us hope. Sometimes, rarely, barely, but just when we need it the most and expect it the least, we get a break. 

The Scorpion and the Frog

The Scorpion and the Frog is a fable about a scorpion asking a frog to carry him across a river. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion argues that if it stung the frog, the frog would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog agrees and begins carrying the scorpion, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. The frog asks the scorpion why, why would he do this and kill them both? The scorpion replies, "This is my nature, that is what scorpions do, we sting frogs". The fable illustrates that the behavior of some creatures is irrepressible, no matter how they are treated and no matter what the consequences.

There are people in the world who use others. This is their sole purpose in life. This is their nature. Their whole lives are built around seeking out people that can serve their purpose, assist them in accomplishing their agenda. Many times the person who is being used has no idea it is even happening, particularly in the case of, yup, you guessed it,  LOVE. This, I believe, is one of the meanings behind "Love is blind". You want to believe the person. You want to believe that the person you love, loves you and so you are more than willing to ignore the red flags, ignore your own needs and desires, ignore the things that in any other person would send you running for hills. Yet, for love, we sacrifice it all, give our all, become a slave to that which we desire. Why do we do that? And how do we stop doing that for people who are scorpions? And what happens when one scorpion meets another scorpion and gets stung? It's not pretty I can tell you.